Secret Warriors is Awesome

Do not pass go Nick Fury, do not collect $500.

Marvel Inc.

I was at my friend's house the other day, and he had a little collection of magazines on the table. Mostly Stuff and XXL (yes, he's black), and I noticed the Punisher skull on a guy clad in all black. Then I notice the guy with the guns and gear is none other than white-rapper Eminem. That's right, but it gets worse. There was half of the first issue of a 2-part limited series in that issue of XXL of a Punisher & Eminem comic book. 

Because you didn't ask for it, and no one ever would!

At one point, Eminem actually gets the upper hand on the superbly trained Vietnam soldier turned mass murder, so maybe the situation might be ostentatious, but at least the writing is believable. I'm sure somewhere in the Marvel office, there are plans for a Hannah Montanna superhero comic where she learns a lesson on duality from Spiderman.

Speaking of Marvel, they posted a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash in Iron Man 2. In my opinion, the character is lame and his later appearance as Backlash was more of something out of an S&M video, but whatever.

 I hope he doesn't expect to win an Oscar for this one.

M.O.D.O.K

It's M.O.D.O.K week comic fans! With Dark Reign in full effect, we'll be seeing more old characters come out of the woodwork. This means even the lame ones are going to come back in a more serious manner, like the "Mental Organization Designed Only for Killing."  If you're familiar with the Marvel villain, then you probably know how pitiful this revitalization of the character is going to be. If you're not, then you're in for a good laugh. 

For the sake of transience, i'm going to call this character by his "human" name: George. I know it's not that nefarious sounding, but he changed it to M.O.D.O.K after his (amazing? no, probably not) transformation. He used to be a lowly employee at Advanced Idea Mechanics, or A.I.M if you like acronyms you can pronounce (which they happen to really like) and then after they created him into a weapon he became their "Master." A.I.M is a terrorist organization that can be compared to Hydra in the way that an autistic twin is to his un-afflicted older brother. Created as a side-branch of Hydra by monocle wearing Baron von Strucker, it became somewhat of a running joke to fans and writers. Hell, even artists had fun drawing those funny yellow bee-keeper suits. 

                              Yellow is SO gaudy!

Granted, the creation of A.I.M was in the 60's in issues of Tales of Suspense, but I think it might have been savvy and timely to maybe reshape the group to make them more threatening players in comics. Agents of A.I.M use ray-guns and fight in huge groups, normally taking on, and failing, to beat one hero that breaks into whatever branch they may be located. Their epic war cry? "I just joined for the dental plan," as their teeth are smashed in. The only thing they have to be proud of are their inventions, sans the giant floating head with limbs like twigs.

Despite fellow creations like the Super-Adaptoid (sounds lamer than he is), the Cosmic Cube of enormous power, George is just goofy and has yet to actually kill anyone. I take that back, M.O.D.O.K once killed another A.I.M creation M.O.D.A.M (Mental Organism Designed for Aggressive Maneuvers), formerly, and I can guess why: S.O.D.A.M. Who was just a female mutated agent. Somehow A.I.M couldn't think of any way to better improve their first creation, except to ADD EXTENDING METAL ARMS, super innovation A.I.M! Yet despite all that genius work, it failed to even kill the West Coast Avengers, another group that became a joke of it's own to readers and writers alike. The team was located in L.A. which, despite amount of shallowness, moral depravity and lack of intelligence, is normally devoid of super-villains.

 "You're welcome for saving your butt, Michael Bay, now I want to show you an idea I had for a movie, which would require no thinking at all, just cool special effects. Yes you say? I knew you'd be interested."

I'm just not sure how M.O.D.O.K can stay a very pliable villain in the Marvel U. Despite being #100 of IGN's top comic book villains, he still actually needs a floating wheelchair to even be in range to attack. The guy isn't even high profile enough to make an alliance with cool villains, one time he actually made machinations with a guy named Rocket Racer and a girl named Nightshade, which sound more like a blaxploitation film than a comic book character. Once, M.O.D.O.K was captured and used as a tool by the U.S. Military, which makes him one of the only villains to ever loose to less than one superhero. When most take on a whole team at once, he was threatened by humans. Amongst the others who defeated him, there was the Serpent Society (they said "because he ssssssssssuckssss." i'm sorry I really had to. That group is a joke too), Iron Man, Captain America, Namor, Dr. Doom & Ms. Marvel. Deadpool actually took him once, but M.O.D.O.K later forfeit to aid Deadpool in saving Cable, which is just odd. 

Quintessentially, M.O.D.O.K is just a satire of that brainy kid in high school you wanted to beat up for always knowing the answer in class. He's even got the bowl cut to top it off. Unfortunately, I feel like beating George up is a hate crime, no matter how advanced it is, it's still a wheelchair! So I salute you, Marvel writers, who still think this character should be taken seriously! Try as you might, the second I see that giant grin, i'll not be able to hold my own back!

The Brilliance of Annihilation

                               (Not Starship Troopers 3)                                                                                            

Annihilation Wave

The coldest and most obscure depths of space in the Marvel Universe were considered to be drained of all life (and cash prospects) until a little story called Annihilation came along and was completely sucked into the undertow of the ocean that was called Civil War by Mark Millar. Bumper stickers, t-shirts and messageboards were filled with dissent on who was with Captain America or who was with that faux-superhero Tony Stark. The debate was on whether or not S.H.I.E.L.D and new top cop Stark had the right to procure the secret identity of Marvel's heroes and set up teams in every state(see:50 State Initiative). All this had it's affect on earth, actually only pretty much USA, and unlike what we Americans believe, that's not world changing. We aren't the center of the universe anymore, and one man learned that and knew it better than anyone, Richard Rider (or Dick Rider if you want to be ephemeral, yet hilarious about it). Richard got his power from a Intergalactic Police Force much akin to the Green Lantern Corps. that imbued a portion of the "Nova Force" power into it's centurions. 

                            (The Universe Resistance)                                    (The World Resistance) 

The Lone [Dick] Rider

Without getting to in-depth, in fact I can surmise it into just saying that his background story is almost exactly Hal Jordan's Green Lantern beginnings: dying alien, chosen at random, joined police force to protect the world, blah blah. By the way, yes I did use the Dick Rider joke twice, i'm not funny, give me a fucking break. It's not like i'm a comedian.

      (Nova, after he lets the entire Nova Force enter his body)

Background: Anyways, this guy fought on Earth with the New Warriors and was even on their reality television show taking down bad guys for a while. Then, he was promptly called back by the Nova Corps. because and intergalatic prison that held Galactus-level (that's eating worlds without chewing strong, if you didn't know) aliens had been blown up by an unknown source, and the Corps were mobilizing to oppose the impending threat. This was all happening at about the same time that Rider's ex-teammates were shooting their reality show, trying to take down clandestine supervillains  who proved much too strong for them, and Nitro blows up a square mile including a full elementary school. Enter: Civil War. 

Civil War vs. Cosmic War: Which is More Devastating?

While Mark Millar fleshed out the story of warring heroes separated by the Superhero Registration Act. Writers Christos Cage, Simone Furman, Keith Giffen, Javier  Grillo-Marxuachm Stuart Moore and current cosmic lords of Marvel, Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning devised one of the most superlative story lines in recent memory. Granted, it is quite interesting seeing that alcoholic prick Tony Stark or as we endearingly know him: "Shellhead" (really original take on Spiderman's "Webhead", and Captain America's "Winghead", and Thor's "Helmet Head" pseudonyms.) appointed himself president pro-tem of all super powered beings, without possessing any himself. Unfortunately, for Millar, the affects would only reach our borders, leaving the rest of the world (& universe in this case) as it was prior to this event (for the most part). While Annihilation was just that, it was a story about the possible eradication of all man-kind, and bug-kind. In fact, there is an mini-comic called "What If: Annihilation" in which the Annihilation Wave continues to be unstopped and is reaching Earth during one of the Civil War battles. The conflict ends completely after everyone fighting gets a lecture about how childish and temporal their struggle is from Nova, who is disgusted at their selfishness. Only when the two heroes from opposing sides join forces with Nova, and sacrifice themselves, do they stop the wave. Which is to say, you know, feeble altercations and such, greater meaning, universe isn't centered around us. Which sounds almost like a commentary on the U.S. for foreign policy, not only do others need our help, but it can overcome us if we don't work together in this world (political philosophy type junk).

                         (From "What If: Annihilation")

Characters       

While Civil War was pretty much composed of all the superheroes in the Marvel 616 Universe like Captain America, Wolverine, Daredevil, the Fantastic Four, Avengers, X-Men sort of, and so on, Annihilation pretty much dealt with characters that have each almost single-handedly defeated our combined heroes. Thanos and Annihilus being the antagonists in this story encompasses every fear any one has had about the universe ending. Thanos, as you know has come close to ending all forms of life several times, even while contending with several heroes. I mean the guys got Death personified at his side. Annihilus is at the head of the Annihilation Wave of millions maybe billions of killer bugs and sentient ships that are ravaging the universe, and despite being a failed Fantastic Four character, holds a lot of merit. He is an insectoid creature with armor capable of withstanding energy blasts from Galactus himself. In fact, he's captured Galactus and Silver Surfer and has the power to hold them against their will, that's pretty powerful. If thats not bad enough, his right hand man Ravenous wields the negative-zone equivalent of the power cosmic that Galactus and his heralds posses. One character who is integral to the story is Drax the Destoyer, and his alternate-life daughter, Moondragon. The only reason Drax exists, is to kill Thanos. The only reason that happened is because Thanos killed him (those two are encouragable). Moondragon's lover Phyla-Vell, or Quasar or Captain Marvel also appears pretty much wielding every power possible, except the power to be in a hot lesbian relationship. Moondragon just doesn't do it for me, with the baldness and pacifist stuff. Of course, all past and current heralds to Galactus appear (Silver Surfer, Firelord, Stardust, Gabriel the Air-Walker, The Fallen One, Red Shift, Terrax the Tamer and Morg the Exectutioner (or as I like to call him "Morg the botched skin-graft), it also includes Paibok the Power Skrull, Gamora (hot!) who fucks Nova on their days off from killing bugs, Ronan the Accuser, Star-Lord & Skreet the Chaos Mite, who despite her size (and goofy hair) is incredibly strong. All those people and this book still doesn't get much attention!

 (Guardians of the Galaxy)

                                           (Annihilus)

                              (Galactus and His Heralds)

The best part about this book is that it does what most limited series do in the Marvel Universe don't do,  it follows up and the ramifications are far reaching. Unlike Civil War and Secret Invasion and other recent crossovers, it isn't as easily forgotten and is not unmentioned when it is over. This book leads to relationships, hardships, powers, enemies and new threats that are directly under the Annihilation umbrella. Andy Lanning and Dan Abnett are currently writing a book called Guardians of the Galaxy which has spawned from some of the heroes of Annihilation and Annihilation: Conquest. They are like the Avengers, but fight galactic and alien threats far greater than that composed of Earth villains. They aren't just psychotic goofballs with sideways corn-rows (hint hint, see? I can be tentatively funny, too). Also, these great writers took of Brubaker's story of the Omega-Level powered third Summers brother (Deadly Genesis) who defeated the Shi'ar Empire and became the leader himself, trying to encompass all empires and lengths of space into his own domain and coming across Blackbolt and the Royal Family of Attilia and the Kree(Rise & Fall of the Shi'ar Empire, War of Kings). It's affects are imprinted on the blackness of space, unlike the fall apart of the Avengers, then getting together, falling apart again, the failing of the Initiative, Skrulls hardly being around, etc. You don't get that kind of consistency with Earth-based books anymore, change happens just as much as stability. So seriously, check out the things that are happening in Marvel's cosmic storyline, you might find something you like, or something somewhat entertaining like hot alien babes and Raccoons that wield laser pistols named after Beatles songs and make friends with a giant tree (i'm being serious, look it up).

Retro Comics Corner: Welcome Back, Frank!

Hello there! Welcome to the first in my hopefully extensive series, Retro Comics Corner, wherein I discuss graphic novels and story arcs which have become, in my opinion, classics. A quick disclaimer: I do not claim to be some sort of comic book historian, and I am writing these purely for fun and entertainment value. My goal is to provide a humorous perspective on classic stories, and if you don’t like what I have to say, I invite you to grab the nearest broom handle, break it in half (making sure of course to leave the ends nice and jagged), and enthusiastically fuck yourself with it.

That being said, let’s talk about Welcome Back, Frank!, Garth Ennis’s first run at the Punisher, and the character’s first appearance since he died and became some sort of avenging angel killing demons or something (I really didn’t pay much attention; reading that story was like watching a comic book having sex with the Bible, and then being violently raped by their offspring right in the common sense).

The Punisher as a character is deceptively complex, at least from a writer’s stand point. What I mean by that is that the concept behind him is fairly simple: his family is killed senselessly by bad people, so he decides to kill the holy bejeezus out of any bad person he can find. Murderers, rapists, mobsters, jaywalkers; you name it, he’ll eviscerate it. …That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point. He’s like Charles Bronson in Death Wish, but with way less moustache.

Yeah. Sorta like that.

However, it is this simplicity that makes it so difficult to write a captivating Punisher story. After all, how many times can you write a story about a man murdering the shit out of a whole bunch of people before it gets a bit stale? That’s when you start to see story arcs like the aforementioned ‘avenging angel’ run or whatever the fuck it was called, which suck legendary amounts of penis. Thankfully, a man named Garth Ennis

exists. Ennis knows how to make shocking levels of violence and depravity fun, and is famous for injecting very subtle, very dark humorous tones into his ostensibly unfunny stories and somehow making it work. To say he revitalized interest in the Punisher is a woefully incompetent understatement. Welcome Back, Frank! was to the Punisher what Jesus is to Christians, or for you non-believers, what bacon was to the cheeseburger. Suddenly the Punisher was not only once again a credible character, he was fucking kickass.

Let’s look at a few moments from the series that epitomize why it became a classic, shall we?

“It’s bears!” WHAMFF!

I was going to do these in chronological order, but I couldn’t resist putting this one first. This moment, to me, tells you everything you need to know about this series.

While scouting Ma Gnucci for a hit, the Punisher is spotted by one of her body guards and takes one bullet in the ribs and another in the shoulder. Unarmed and losing blood, he hides out in the zoo, and proceeds to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting henchmen that are hunting him down. He feeds one to piranhas, another to a snake, but the best is when he punches a fucking polar bear in the face, causing it to attack Ma and her remaining bodyguards.

The Punisher tells PETA to fuck themselves.

And there you go. The Punisher. Punches a bear. In the face. Admit it, if you weren’t interested in this story arc before, you can’t wait to read it now.

Don’t hide behind the thin guy.

The first time we see the Punisher in a full on gun battle in this series is when he attacks Bobbie Gnucci as he’s viewing his brother’s body in the morgue. The Punisher uses the dead body of some fat guy as a human shield, and the guy he’s shooting at decides to do the same. Only he hides behind some skinny dude, and the Punisher shoots right through the body and kills the guy.

Garth Ennis has a tradition of making movie references in his stories, which as a

huge movie nerd, never ceases to fill me with glee. This sequence is a nod to the ‘human shield’ scene in Total Recall. If you’ve ever seen that movie, you know that it’s just stupid, over the top, extraordinarily violent fun. The fact that it occurs in the first issue of the series lets you know what to expect: reading this book will be a lot like watching a Schwarzenegger movie, and that is awesome.

Oh, and the best part: immediately after he does this, the Punisher walks over to Bobbie Gnucci and delivers a classic action movie one-liner. “Got a message for your people, Bobbie. Listen:” and then he blows his head off. Oh, fuck yes, the Punisher is back.

Punisher vs. Daredevil

Let’s get serious here for a second. Around the fourth issue of the series, the Punisher attempts to assassinate Dino Gnucci in Hell’s Kitchen, and of course, Daredevil shows up to try and stop him. After giving the Punisher a speech about how he has a choice and he doesn’t actually have to kill anyone, the Punisher tells him to fuck off and a fight ensues. Punisher manages to get the best of Daredevil, and ties him up with a gun taped to his hand. He tells Daredevil it’s time for him to make that choice he was talking about. Either shoot the Punisher in the head to stop him from killing Dino, or do nothing and let Dino die:

PUNISHER: If you don’t shoot you’ve got a death on your conscience. A death you could have prevented. If you do shoot, you’re a killer.

DAREDEVIL: What kind of a choice is that…?

PUNISHER: The one I make every time I pull the trigger.

After bitching and whining for a bit (I’m pretty sure ‘bitching and whining’ is one of Daredevil’s superpowers), Daredevil aims the gun at Punisher’s head, pulls the trigger and… click. No firing pin. Punisher paints a mural on the sidewalk with Dino’s thoughts and memories, and Daredevil is utterly crushed by the realization that he just attempted to commit murder.

This issue is interesting, because it shows that at the end of the day, Punisher and Daredevil are the same. They both fight crime, but they do so from a continuum. On one end you have the Punisher, killing everything bad that moves; on the other, you have Daredevil, who just likes to hit bad guys a few times and hope they learn their lesson. However, when Daredevil pulled that trigger, it proved that the points on the continuum on which the two characters reside are not fixed. The Punisher is Daredevil; he is Spiderman, he is whoever else you care to name. The only difference is that he doesn’t hide behind a wall or pretense; he doesn’t feel the need to incessantly apologize for what he is and what he does. Spiderman and Daredevil and all the rest may seem more “heroic”, but strip away all their speeches about justice and the value of human life and they’re really no different than any anti-hero you care to name. After all, these are people that are so driven by what they think is true and right that they dress up in costumes and get in fights with bad guys every day. To make a distinction between the hero and the anti-hero is therefore futile; the only difference is where they draw the line and, as this sequence shows, all it takes to push that line over to the “dark side” is the right set of circumstances.

“I hate them.”

About halfway through the series, Ma Gnucci finds out where the Punisher lives and sends everything she’s got to take him out. The Punisher of course kills everyone, but not before taking six bullets to the chest. As he’s lying in bed dying in his mousy neighbor Joan’s apartment, this exchange occurs:

JOAN: Why do you kill them? Bad people, I mean.

PUNISHER: I hate them.

JOAN: Oh. I thought it might be because you wanted to make the world safe for

good people.

And there you go. The reason the Punisher imprint is so great under the direction of Garth Ennis. The Punisher isn’t a goddamn superhero; he’s not even really an anti-hero. He just hates bad guys because of what they did to his family, and he simply likes to kill them. Even in story lines where the Punisher is helping someone, you still get the feeling that he’s only doing it because of the opportunities it affords him to kill a shit ton of bad guys. He’s basically a psychopath; luckily for us, he only murders people who deserve it. Ennis understands this, and can therefore write compelling Punisher stories.

The Russian.

The Russian is Ma Gnucci’s last-ditch effort to put the Punisher out of commission. He’s about the size of the Incredible Hulk, twice as stupid, and ambushes the Punisher out of nowhere. This is another instance of Punisher being caught off guard and unarmed, and having to improvise. After two entire issues consisting of nothing but the Punisher getting his ass handed to him, he’s finally able to kill the Russian. How?

By throwing a hot pizza at his face, and then suffocating him to death with his morbidly obese neighbor’s body.

You know, I think we can all agree that there isn’t much that’s funnier than fat jokes. Dick jokes, maybe, and punching a bear in the face, definitely, but only barely. And using a fat guy to take out an undisputed badass like the Russian? That’s just entertainment gold.

The Russian: giving "pizza face" a whole new meaning.

Detective Soap.

Finally, we have Detective Soap. Another thing about Garth Ennis is that he often will include a character in his stories that is an epic loser in every way imaginable, and they often even have some sort of physical deformity, as was mentioned in one of Mr. Burke’s earlier articles. Well, Detective Soap is definitely that. He’s a joke to the police force, and since none of the police officers actually want the Punisher caught, they put Soap on the case. He drives his first partner to suicide, falls in love with his lesbian second partner, and generally just gets shit on constantly, both literally and figuratively (at one point during Ennis’s run on the Punisher, he even unknowingly fucks his own mom. But that’s neither here nor there.)

However, Soap doesn’t have any physical deformities to speak of, and that’s the real reason I put him on here. I can just imagine Ennis, in a drunken rage, yelling at chief editor Joe Quesada: “Dammit Joe! Just let me make his nose into a dick! Or fine, I’ll put a vagina on his forehead! That way everyone will know he’s a pussy! It just wouldn’t feel right otherwise! QUIT STIFLING MEEE!!!”

And there you have it. Hopefully you enjoyed my first entry for YNTCFC. I’ll update some more in the future; hopefully fairly regularly, but realistically, whenever I damn well please.

Update for yntcfc

For those of you who read this blog (all two of you) I have been swamped (failing) at school and have been unable to continue writing on this blog. However, after this week I will be free (jobless) to post weekly at least and will continue my riveting (insipid) articles about the fabulous (geeky and uncool) world of comics. I have just procured a second writer for this blog and he will help keep this blog alive (barely) and kicking. He's a great writer and he is very well versed and hip (unhip to say hip) to comics. He's a very perceptive and witty guy and I am proud to have him join my team (if you played tennis, we'd be enough to make a team). Nick Pawlowsky writes blogs anyways and i've, and i'm sure a lot of other people found them engrossing and funny. Anyways, my Wolverine article is coming along and it should be up shortly. After that, we will be expanding this blog as much as possible and fleshing out awesome (if you could call it that) posts and hopefully it will grow and we might move on to other sites. So if you read this, thanks and we'll be moving forward very soon. Maybe more people will start joining the collection (two) of people who read this. 

See you soon.

Jason Aaron is Laughing at Ghost Rider Fans

Ever since Aaron introduced ninja-nurses, nunchuck wielding nuns & reintroduced Blackout and Orb, I feel like he's trying to fuck with Ghost Rider fans by adding the sort of stylized writing that the title is used to. He's really attempting black humor at the same time (unsuccessfully) as trying to unfold a story about the fall of heaven. 

I like Jason Aaron's writing most of the time, for example Scalped is a fucking good book. It's a twisted view of the poverty and corruption in a modern Indian reservation. The main protagonist returns home to the place he vowed to never return when he was 13, to find that the traditionalist way of life has been replaced by a new casino and the new tribal chief of police and treasury and owner of a new casino ushers Daschiel Bad Horse into his service, but Dash has got a secret that could be a cataclysm the "rez" could never come back from. 

In ninja-nurses arc, Aaron is pitting a soul of retribution against some hot big-tittied nurses with golden weapons. Uh, what the fuck? The excuse here being that the only reason they even pose a real threat to him is that they are under the service of archangel Zadkiel, whom is the real power behind the Ghost Riders. 

Next he uses Blackout to fight the Caretaker with other failed villains such as Orb, and Deathninja (really?) When Blackout comes face to face with the Ghost Rider he never fought (Johnny Blaze) he comments on who he thinks is stronger, and turns out the lights. We just see blackness and sound effects from what could only be described as a writer/artist shortcut from an otherwise lame fight. Then the fight between Deathninja and Caretaker was  just goofy. 

The banter that we see with Zadkiel and Daniel Ketch is the worst, though. I just find it stupid that an Angel would talk like a pissed-off Patrick Stewart,

 i.e. "you insufferable little twit"

"what was that? I couldn't--"

"I said yes, of course it's for their own good"

really? that's how you think how he would talk. so maybe when he appeared to Abraham it went something like this: 

"I Abraham will kill my son Isaac"

*Zadkiel appears*

"d00d, don't be fucking stoopid"

"what?"

"dont kill ur son, u asshole!"

"I can't hear you, im 150 years old!"

"I SAID GOD LOVES YOU, DON'T DO IT"

There's much more, but you just have to either find out for yourself, or save the extra cash for a killer book right now, like Ed Brubaker's Daredevil. 

Before I go, I have three words to leave you with that could possible be the sentence used to describe Aaron's entire tenure on this title : flaming, skeleton, sex. 

Enjoy.

If We Lived in Comics Vol. 2

If we lived in comics, would it be wrong for me to become a man that kidnapped, tortured, took the powers of and murdered meta-humans in order to get the attention of the smoking killing-machine X-23 of the New X-Men and more recently X-Force?The things I wish I could do to this girl are listed as felony crimes in this state. I feel bad for my next girlfriend, who's going to have a hell of a time having to dress like her.

If We Lived in Comics

If comics were real, then the problems of our world would probably wash away with the limbs of super-villains who plan on using atomic energy to create a temporal rift in our solar system to end the world, and dirty politicians.

Ode to Chaykin

Oh Howard Chaykin
thoust art speaks to me
and it tells me that you should stick to writing.

Seriously, remember you're work on the Punisher War Journal monthly written by Matt Fraction, and later collaborated with current writer of the Dark Reign tie-in Rick Remender? I wish I couldn't. I want to blame you but I also kind of blame Fraction for even writing an arc featuring Jigsaw, because I couldn't tell his protege Ian apart from Frank. Maybe the S.H.I.E.L.D agents were reading this monthly so they just got the two mixed up like I did when chasing down a framed-Castle. Can I inquire as to why Frank has a skrull chin on a lot of the panels, as well? Don't get me started on the way you draw hair, either. Also man, I used to think Domino was hot, but when she was written into the comic, she was just a fat pale-white girl with shitty hair that was puffy.

Do you really think that people squint that much? C'mon man!

Oh yeah, remember Wolverine: The End? I'm not even sure what happened in that book. Seriously, even flying bullets look wrong in your art, that's like drawing pictures of far away birds incorrectly, it's just an m, man! Why are the male characters always fat, and the female characters have Liefeld-esque proportions. A girl that skinny wouldn't have boobs that big!

Really dude, I don't mean any disrespect, but I seriously can't read books that you draw on, I feel like my money gets mad because both of us know that it's worth more. Just keep writing, or just do covers, I don't know.

Can bodies even DO this?

Hey, it's Frank Castle! Oh wait, it's not?

Hey, there's Frank Castle! No, wait, no.






Okay, that's him this time. I had you going though, didn't I?

Messiah War (Featuring Deadpool)

Click the Picture to Enlarge

If you weren't already stoked on Messiah War, the follow up to the Messiah Complex crossover that happened last year, you are now.

Garth Ennis LOVES disfigurement

I was just thinking about Garth Ennis' writing style and the kinds of characters he likes to make. Normally I don't consider him to be repetitive with who he creates, and he is definitely not a one trick pony by any means. However, one thing I noticed that was frequent was deformed characters, but in a 'funny' sense, or as much as human pain can be ( which is pretty much unlimited).


Arseface
First and most obvious would be Arseface from the Preacher series. No first named was ever listed, except the last name, Root. He was a huge loser in high school and only had one friend, and being the 90's the obvious choice in life was to become a grunge rocker. Him and his friend 'Pube' or Craig, as he's known to everyone else hang out and smoke weed and listen to Nirvana all day to escape the reality of his real life. His home life being filled with an alcoholic, pill-popping mother who loves Jesus and not her son and a traditional sheriff father, who beats him and gets drunk at night and shoots at the sky to kill the "African-American" aliens who he blames for pretty much everything. Once Root's idol, Kurt Cobain dies and him and Craig realize no one else in the world cared or even understood, Craig decided that the two of them should blow their faces off of with Arseface's dad's shotgun. Craig was successful in suicide, but six months and plenty of facial reconstruction later, Arseface became well, Arseface. A character that never failed to bring laughter to Jesse and Cassidy, even when he was pointing a gun in their faces.


Arseface


Buttview
Next, Ennis' Ghost Rider arc entitled "Rode to Damnation" illustrated all-shiny like by Clayton Crain (now on X-Force) brought to us another odd-character. Despite series tones in the book, such as an angel named Ruth making a child kill himself, and a big shot-business man killing the board of his petroleum company to summon a demon, we still get to meet a character named 'Buttview' who brought us more ass-related humor. A fat demon who drives a topless Cadillac named Hoss found himself being followed and then attacked by a group of ill-fated bikers. They had no idea who they were fucking with, so Hoss got a kick out of their harassment and decided to make all of their heads explode except for a green-mohawk sporting biker who was bleeding out in the road after a crash. He agreed to Hoss' terms to evade death, unknowing that he would become a ball of spine with an ass on top with legs and arms... and still, a mohawk. Now Buttview's speech is incoherent, but he can still drink beer, which is somewhat of a consolation.

No Image for Buttview.


Fucknose
Dick jokes are still funny, and Garth Ennis knows this. In his series 'The Chronicles of Wormwood', the anti-christ Danny Wormwood, and actual Christ 'Jay' frequent a local dive-bar in New York. Jay (better known as Jesus Christ) is the victim of police brutality at a local anti-war rally. After half of his skull is caved in by an LAPD officer, he isn't very much like his former incarnation. Many of his only words in the first arc are "My pal" in reference to Danny. When seeing this, the stand-in bartender of the bar begins to inquire about Jay's condition. After telling Danny that 'his kind' or 'retards' are not allowed in the bar because they might relieve themselves in the bar, Danny decides to take advantage of his demon power on Earth to permanently change one thing a day. All of a sudden, the bartender's nose grows longer, and then into the shape of a dick. He immediately takes notice and checks his pants to find that his dick really switched places with his nose. The bartender then caters to Danny and sucks up in hopes of getting things switched back. He is the center of their misplaced aggressions, Danny and his talking rabbit calling him 'Fucknose'. When the real Whore of Babylon; who is a total babe, enters the bar, he shoots his, well let's call it 'snot'. At the end of the book, Danny switches things back, but unfortunately, his head takes the shape of a penis. Bummer.

Picture failure again.


Moe Dubelz
Also, I haven't read the Hitman series yet, but I know that there is a villain in the series is a conjoined twin, of which is the only living one. Moe Dubelz swore vengeance on Hitman Tommy Monaghan after he kills the guy's twin. So basically half of his body is dead, an actual person stuck to him.

Fuck Film Adaptation

I just wanted to list out a few movies coming out in the future that will be bastardizing the comic books they are based on.

Jonah Hex (DC Comics)- Jonah Hex is a cowboy, an anti-hero who served for the confederates in the Civil War. He's a gun-fighter and bounty hunter who is recognized mostly by a half-scared face. What's interesting to note in this series is that time-travel, superheroes, zombies & the supernatural are deeply rooted into this series.


Why it's going to suck- Aside from very talented, very popular (at the moment) actor Josh Brolin, nothing is working for it's advantage. Well, except maybe badass John Malkovich. Once I heard about this, I was stoked, but my excitement was quelled when I heard emotionless shit-actress Megan Fox would be in it. Who would be a good director for this film, Eastwood? Nah, how about a Jimmy Hayward, a guy with a list of only fucking animated disney films under his belt. 

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Y: The Last Man (Vertigo Comics)- This series is currently one of my very favorites, and is near and dear to my heart. At least, until I finsh it, which, being a limited series has only 4 more trade paper backs to offer me. However, it is still a great story about the very last man on earth named Yorick, and the mission he bravely embarks on with agent 355, of the enigmatic and dangerous Culper Ring, and Dr. Mann, the first scientist to have actually cloned a human. They travel across the country to get to Dr. Mann's lab and try to reverse the effects of the so called apocalypse, but only if they aren't stopped first by the Daughters of the Amazon (One-boobed feminists with weapons, and together: half a brain) or Israeli soldiers under guidance of Yorick's mother, the acting secretary of Interior.

Why it's going to suck-The "creative" team from "hits" such as Eagle Eye and that one botched Alfred Hitchcock remake both starring child-turned pre-pubescent patchy-bearded bad actor Shia LeBeouf, will create a trilogy based on the comic and will feature ready for a shocker? Shia LeBeouf in the lead. Besides not looking like him at all, and having an obnoxious voice, he's not that good of an actor. Especially not good enough to take on a character as convoluted as Yorick. Besides that the director of this movie and two aforementioned films decided to cast Zoe Saldana into the role of the ass-kicking, baton-wielding Agent 355 because, and I quote "by the time she comes out in Star Trek, she will be huge." Good thing fame is what you should gauge how good a person is for a role. I don't know who I am kidding, that's pretty much the only way it works. 



Yorick Brown



Assbag



Preacher (Vertigo Comics)- This is my all-time favorite limited-series. Small town preacher Jesse Custer and his ex-girlfriend Tulip and new friend Cassidy at a diner at the start of the series in which they all explain the moments that brought them there. Tulip and Cassidy had met when one of Tulip's hit-jobs was botched, and she tried to elude her enemies by car-jacking an Irishman's truck named Cassidy. He refused, but let her get in any way because he needed a little excitement. Jesse was already loosing faith in his small congregation in deep Texas when an unholy bond imprisoned in Heaven broke out and came to Earth to bond itself to Jesse's spirit during his sermon. Everyone died except Custer who was found first by Tulip and Cassidy. After a short reunion, Jesse learns of the true nature of the strife in Heaven since God's absence. The rest of the story focuses on his mission to make God answer for his negligence. With appearances by a badass immortal cowboy, a guy with an ass for a face, a guy who fucks meat, a once-thought dead family member, and a fucked up family member, a 600-bulimic man who controls the world, Satan, and a retarded Jesus, just to name a few. JESUS BEING KILLED BY A DUNG-CART! YOU JUST CAN'T DO BETTER THAN THAT!

Why it's going to suck- The reason this series can't be a movie is the same reason people give me the same blank look when I try to explain the series to them. It's fucking convoluted. Did you read the list of people? That's not even half of the fucking interesting characters in the series! Besides the fact that, which the exception of Watchmen (in my opinion), any movie that floats around movie studios for at least 10 years normally fails or just doesn't get made. After the original movie idea was scraped, the idea for a tv-series came out. A tv-series in which director Mark Steven Johnson of such debacles as Ghost Rider, Electra and Daredevil was supposed to heed. Even him and the writer of the series Garth Ennis (<3) href="http://www.comicbookmovie.com/comic_news/news/?a=1016">



If this asshole plays the Saint of Killers, I will forever loose my faith in EVERYTHING. The Saint of Killers is a badass cowboy, he can't be killed and he does not hurry when he can take his time. He speaks quietly, and let's his hammers do the yelling. Samuel L., however thinks that to correctly act, you just have to yell your lines. Please, don't let him ruin anything else.


The REAL Saint of Killers. Yeah, you see that fire he's in? He got a fucking atomic bomb dropped on him.