Sunday, March 22, 2009

Fuck Film Adaptation

I just wanted to list out a few movies coming out in the future that will be bastardizing the comic books they are based on.

Jonah Hex (DC Comics)- Jonah Hex is a cowboy, an anti-hero who served for the confederates in the Civil War. He's a gun-fighter and bounty hunter who is recognized mostly by a half-scared face. What's interesting to note in this series is that time-travel, superheroes, zombies & the supernatural are deeply rooted into this series.
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Why it's going to suck- Aside from very talented, very popular (at the moment) actor Josh Brolin, nothing is working for it's advantage. Well, except maybe badass John Malkovich. Once I heard about this, I was stoked, but my excitement was quelled when I heard emotionless shit-actress Megan Fox would be in it. Who would be a good director for this film, Eastwood? Nah, how about a Jimmy Hayward, a guy with a list of only fucking animated disney films under his belt. 

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Y: The Last Man (Vertigo Comics)- This series is currently one of my very favorites, and is near and dear to my heart. At least, until I finsh it, which, being a limited series has only 4 more trade paper backs to offer me. However, it is still a great story about the very last man on earth named Yorick, and the mission he bravely embarks on with agent 355, of the enigmatic and dangerous Culper Ring, and Dr. Mann, the first scientist to have actually cloned a human. They travel across the country to get to Dr. Mann's lab and try to reverse the effects of the so called apocalypse, but only if they aren't stopped first by the Daughters of the Amazon (One-boobed feminists with weapons, and together: half a brain) or Israeli soldiers under guidance of Yorick's mother, the acting secretary of Interior.

Why it's going to suck-The "creative" team from "hits" such as Eagle Eye and that one botched Alfred Hitchcock remake both starring child-turned pre-pubescent patchy-bearded bad actor Shia LeBeouf, will create a trilogy based on the comic and will feature ready for a shocker? Shia LeBeouf in the lead. Besides not looking like him at all, and having an obnoxious voice, he's not that good of an actor. Especially not good enough to take on a character as convoluted as Yorick. Besides that the director of this movie and two aforementioned films decided to cast Zoe Saldana into the role of the ass-kicking, baton-wielding Agent 355 because, and I quote "by the time she comes out in Star Trek, she will be huge." Good thing fame is what you should gauge how good a person is for a role. I don't know who I am kidding, that's pretty much the only way it works. 

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Yorick Brown

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Assbag



Preacher (Vertigo Comics)- This is my all-time favorite limited-series. Small town preacher Jesse Custer and his ex-girlfriend Tulip and new friend Cassidy at a diner at the start of the series in which they all explain the moments that brought them there. Tulip and Cassidy had met when one of Tulip's hit-jobs was botched, and she tried to elude her enemies by car-jacking an Irishman's truck named Cassidy. He refused, but let her get in any way because he needed a little excitement. Jesse was already loosing faith in his small congregation in deep Texas when an unholy bond imprisoned in Heaven broke out and came to Earth to bond itself to Jesse's spirit during his sermon. Everyone died except Custer who was found first by Tulip and Cassidy. After a short reunion, Jesse learns of the true nature of the strife in Heaven since God's absence. The rest of the story focuses on his mission to make God answer for his negligence. With appearances by a badass immortal cowboy, a guy with an ass for a face, a guy who fucks meat, a once-thought dead family member, and a fucked up family member, a 600-bulimic man who controls the world, Satan, and a retarded Jesus, just to name a few. JESUS BEING KILLED BY A DUNG-CART! YOU JUST CAN'T DO BETTER THAN THAT!

Why it's going to suck- The reason this series can't be a movie is the same reason people give me the same blank look when I try to explain the series to them. It's fucking convoluted. Did you read the list of people? That's not even half of the fucking interesting characters in the series! Besides the fact that, which the exception of Watchmen (in my opinion), any movie that floats around movie studios for at least 10 years normally fails or just doesn't get made. After the original movie idea was scraped, the idea for a tv-series came out. A tv-series in which director Mark Steven Johnson of such debacles as Ghost Rider, Electra and Daredevil was supposed to heed. Even him and the writer of the series Garth Ennis (<3) href="http://www.comicbookmovie.com/comic_news/news/?a=1016">



If this asshole plays the Saint of Killers, I will forever loose my faith in EVERYTHING. The Saint of Killers is a badass cowboy, he can't be killed and he does not hurry when he can take his time. He speaks quietly, and let's his hammers do the yelling. Samuel L., however thinks that to correctly act, you just have to yell your lines. Please, don't let him ruin anything else.


The REAL Saint of Killers. Yeah, you see that fire he's in? He got a fucking atomic bomb dropped on him.

2 comments:

  1. I would say kick ass is going to get butchered, but i think Mark Millars doing a fine job of ruining it himself.

    -fucking hoad

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  2. Kick-Ass is the weirdest situation ever. The villain in the movie has yet to even appear in the comic. What are they at, #5? How can that be a movie already?!

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