Jason Aaron is Laughing at Ghost Rider Fans

Ever since Aaron introduced ninja-nurses, nunchuck wielding nuns & reintroduced Blackout and Orb, I feel like he's trying to fuck with Ghost Rider fans by adding the sort of stylized writing that the title is used to. He's really attempting black humor at the same time (unsuccessfully) as trying to unfold a story about the fall of heaven. 

I like Jason Aaron's writing most of the time, for example Scalped is a fucking good book. It's a twisted view of the poverty and corruption in a modern Indian reservation. The main protagonist returns home to the place he vowed to never return when he was 13, to find that the traditionalist way of life has been replaced by a new casino and the new tribal chief of police and treasury and owner of a new casino ushers Daschiel Bad Horse into his service, but Dash has got a secret that could be a cataclysm the "rez" could never come back from. 

In ninja-nurses arc, Aaron is pitting a soul of retribution against some hot big-tittied nurses with golden weapons. Uh, what the fuck? The excuse here being that the only reason they even pose a real threat to him is that they are under the service of archangel Zadkiel, whom is the real power behind the Ghost Riders. 

Next he uses Blackout to fight the Caretaker with other failed villains such as Orb, and Deathninja (really?) When Blackout comes face to face with the Ghost Rider he never fought (Johnny Blaze) he comments on who he thinks is stronger, and turns out the lights. We just see blackness and sound effects from what could only be described as a writer/artist shortcut from an otherwise lame fight. Then the fight between Deathninja and Caretaker was  just goofy. 

The banter that we see with Zadkiel and Daniel Ketch is the worst, though. I just find it stupid that an Angel would talk like a pissed-off Patrick Stewart,

 i.e. "you insufferable little twit"

"what was that? I couldn't--"

"I said yes, of course it's for their own good"

really? that's how you think how he would talk. so maybe when he appeared to Abraham it went something like this: 

"I Abraham will kill my son Isaac"

*Zadkiel appears*

"d00d, don't be fucking stoopid"

"what?"

"dont kill ur son, u asshole!"

"I can't hear you, im 150 years old!"

"I SAID GOD LOVES YOU, DON'T DO IT"

There's much more, but you just have to either find out for yourself, or save the extra cash for a killer book right now, like Ed Brubaker's Daredevil. 

Before I go, I have three words to leave you with that could possible be the sentence used to describe Aaron's entire tenure on this title : flaming, skeleton, sex. 

Enjoy.

If We Lived in Comics Vol. 2

If we lived in comics, would it be wrong for me to become a man that kidnapped, tortured, took the powers of and murdered meta-humans in order to get the attention of the smoking killing-machine X-23 of the New X-Men and more recently X-Force?The things I wish I could do to this girl are listed as felony crimes in this state. I feel bad for my next girlfriend, who's going to have a hell of a time having to dress like her.

If We Lived in Comics

If comics were real, then the problems of our world would probably wash away with the limbs of super-villains who plan on using atomic energy to create a temporal rift in our solar system to end the world, and dirty politicians.

Ode to Chaykin

Oh Howard Chaykin
thoust art speaks to me
and it tells me that you should stick to writing.

Seriously, remember you're work on the Punisher War Journal monthly written by Matt Fraction, and later collaborated with current writer of the Dark Reign tie-in Rick Remender? I wish I couldn't. I want to blame you but I also kind of blame Fraction for even writing an arc featuring Jigsaw, because I couldn't tell his protege Ian apart from Frank. Maybe the S.H.I.E.L.D agents were reading this monthly so they just got the two mixed up like I did when chasing down a framed-Castle. Can I inquire as to why Frank has a skrull chin on a lot of the panels, as well? Don't get me started on the way you draw hair, either. Also man, I used to think Domino was hot, but when she was written into the comic, she was just a fat pale-white girl with shitty hair that was puffy.

Do you really think that people squint that much? C'mon man!

Oh yeah, remember Wolverine: The End? I'm not even sure what happened in that book. Seriously, even flying bullets look wrong in your art, that's like drawing pictures of far away birds incorrectly, it's just an m, man! Why are the male characters always fat, and the female characters have Liefeld-esque proportions. A girl that skinny wouldn't have boobs that big!

Really dude, I don't mean any disrespect, but I seriously can't read books that you draw on, I feel like my money gets mad because both of us know that it's worth more. Just keep writing, or just do covers, I don't know.

Can bodies even DO this?

Hey, it's Frank Castle! Oh wait, it's not?

Hey, there's Frank Castle! No, wait, no.






Okay, that's him this time. I had you going though, didn't I?

Messiah War (Featuring Deadpool)

Click the Picture to Enlarge

If you weren't already stoked on Messiah War, the follow up to the Messiah Complex crossover that happened last year, you are now.

Garth Ennis LOVES disfigurement

I was just thinking about Garth Ennis' writing style and the kinds of characters he likes to make. Normally I don't consider him to be repetitive with who he creates, and he is definitely not a one trick pony by any means. However, one thing I noticed that was frequent was deformed characters, but in a 'funny' sense, or as much as human pain can be ( which is pretty much unlimited).


Arseface
First and most obvious would be Arseface from the Preacher series. No first named was ever listed, except the last name, Root. He was a huge loser in high school and only had one friend, and being the 90's the obvious choice in life was to become a grunge rocker. Him and his friend 'Pube' or Craig, as he's known to everyone else hang out and smoke weed and listen to Nirvana all day to escape the reality of his real life. His home life being filled with an alcoholic, pill-popping mother who loves Jesus and not her son and a traditional sheriff father, who beats him and gets drunk at night and shoots at the sky to kill the "African-American" aliens who he blames for pretty much everything. Once Root's idol, Kurt Cobain dies and him and Craig realize no one else in the world cared or even understood, Craig decided that the two of them should blow their faces off of with Arseface's dad's shotgun. Craig was successful in suicide, but six months and plenty of facial reconstruction later, Arseface became well, Arseface. A character that never failed to bring laughter to Jesse and Cassidy, even when he was pointing a gun in their faces.


Arseface


Buttview
Next, Ennis' Ghost Rider arc entitled "Rode to Damnation" illustrated all-shiny like by Clayton Crain (now on X-Force) brought to us another odd-character. Despite series tones in the book, such as an angel named Ruth making a child kill himself, and a big shot-business man killing the board of his petroleum company to summon a demon, we still get to meet a character named 'Buttview' who brought us more ass-related humor. A fat demon who drives a topless Cadillac named Hoss found himself being followed and then attacked by a group of ill-fated bikers. They had no idea who they were fucking with, so Hoss got a kick out of their harassment and decided to make all of their heads explode except for a green-mohawk sporting biker who was bleeding out in the road after a crash. He agreed to Hoss' terms to evade death, unknowing that he would become a ball of spine with an ass on top with legs and arms... and still, a mohawk. Now Buttview's speech is incoherent, but he can still drink beer, which is somewhat of a consolation.

No Image for Buttview.


Fucknose
Dick jokes are still funny, and Garth Ennis knows this. In his series 'The Chronicles of Wormwood', the anti-christ Danny Wormwood, and actual Christ 'Jay' frequent a local dive-bar in New York. Jay (better known as Jesus Christ) is the victim of police brutality at a local anti-war rally. After half of his skull is caved in by an LAPD officer, he isn't very much like his former incarnation. Many of his only words in the first arc are "My pal" in reference to Danny. When seeing this, the stand-in bartender of the bar begins to inquire about Jay's condition. After telling Danny that 'his kind' or 'retards' are not allowed in the bar because they might relieve themselves in the bar, Danny decides to take advantage of his demon power on Earth to permanently change one thing a day. All of a sudden, the bartender's nose grows longer, and then into the shape of a dick. He immediately takes notice and checks his pants to find that his dick really switched places with his nose. The bartender then caters to Danny and sucks up in hopes of getting things switched back. He is the center of their misplaced aggressions, Danny and his talking rabbit calling him 'Fucknose'. When the real Whore of Babylon; who is a total babe, enters the bar, he shoots his, well let's call it 'snot'. At the end of the book, Danny switches things back, but unfortunately, his head takes the shape of a penis. Bummer.

Picture failure again.


Moe Dubelz
Also, I haven't read the Hitman series yet, but I know that there is a villain in the series is a conjoined twin, of which is the only living one. Moe Dubelz swore vengeance on Hitman Tommy Monaghan after he kills the guy's twin. So basically half of his body is dead, an actual person stuck to him.

Fuck Film Adaptation

I just wanted to list out a few movies coming out in the future that will be bastardizing the comic books they are based on.

Jonah Hex (DC Comics)- Jonah Hex is a cowboy, an anti-hero who served for the confederates in the Civil War. He's a gun-fighter and bounty hunter who is recognized mostly by a half-scared face. What's interesting to note in this series is that time-travel, superheroes, zombies & the supernatural are deeply rooted into this series.


Why it's going to suck- Aside from very talented, very popular (at the moment) actor Josh Brolin, nothing is working for it's advantage. Well, except maybe badass John Malkovich. Once I heard about this, I was stoked, but my excitement was quelled when I heard emotionless shit-actress Megan Fox would be in it. Who would be a good director for this film, Eastwood? Nah, how about a Jimmy Hayward, a guy with a list of only fucking animated disney films under his belt. 

.


Y: The Last Man (Vertigo Comics)- This series is currently one of my very favorites, and is near and dear to my heart. At least, until I finsh it, which, being a limited series has only 4 more trade paper backs to offer me. However, it is still a great story about the very last man on earth named Yorick, and the mission he bravely embarks on with agent 355, of the enigmatic and dangerous Culper Ring, and Dr. Mann, the first scientist to have actually cloned a human. They travel across the country to get to Dr. Mann's lab and try to reverse the effects of the so called apocalypse, but only if they aren't stopped first by the Daughters of the Amazon (One-boobed feminists with weapons, and together: half a brain) or Israeli soldiers under guidance of Yorick's mother, the acting secretary of Interior.

Why it's going to suck-The "creative" team from "hits" such as Eagle Eye and that one botched Alfred Hitchcock remake both starring child-turned pre-pubescent patchy-bearded bad actor Shia LeBeouf, will create a trilogy based on the comic and will feature ready for a shocker? Shia LeBeouf in the lead. Besides not looking like him at all, and having an obnoxious voice, he's not that good of an actor. Especially not good enough to take on a character as convoluted as Yorick. Besides that the director of this movie and two aforementioned films decided to cast Zoe Saldana into the role of the ass-kicking, baton-wielding Agent 355 because, and I quote "by the time she comes out in Star Trek, she will be huge." Good thing fame is what you should gauge how good a person is for a role. I don't know who I am kidding, that's pretty much the only way it works. 



Yorick Brown



Assbag



Preacher (Vertigo Comics)- This is my all-time favorite limited-series. Small town preacher Jesse Custer and his ex-girlfriend Tulip and new friend Cassidy at a diner at the start of the series in which they all explain the moments that brought them there. Tulip and Cassidy had met when one of Tulip's hit-jobs was botched, and she tried to elude her enemies by car-jacking an Irishman's truck named Cassidy. He refused, but let her get in any way because he needed a little excitement. Jesse was already loosing faith in his small congregation in deep Texas when an unholy bond imprisoned in Heaven broke out and came to Earth to bond itself to Jesse's spirit during his sermon. Everyone died except Custer who was found first by Tulip and Cassidy. After a short reunion, Jesse learns of the true nature of the strife in Heaven since God's absence. The rest of the story focuses on his mission to make God answer for his negligence. With appearances by a badass immortal cowboy, a guy with an ass for a face, a guy who fucks meat, a once-thought dead family member, and a fucked up family member, a 600-bulimic man who controls the world, Satan, and a retarded Jesus, just to name a few. JESUS BEING KILLED BY A DUNG-CART! YOU JUST CAN'T DO BETTER THAN THAT!

Why it's going to suck- The reason this series can't be a movie is the same reason people give me the same blank look when I try to explain the series to them. It's fucking convoluted. Did you read the list of people? That's not even half of the fucking interesting characters in the series! Besides the fact that, which the exception of Watchmen (in my opinion), any movie that floats around movie studios for at least 10 years normally fails or just doesn't get made. After the original movie idea was scraped, the idea for a tv-series came out. A tv-series in which director Mark Steven Johnson of such debacles as Ghost Rider, Electra and Daredevil was supposed to heed. Even him and the writer of the series Garth Ennis (<3) href="http://www.comicbookmovie.com/comic_news/news/?a=1016">



If this asshole plays the Saint of Killers, I will forever loose my faith in EVERYTHING. The Saint of Killers is a badass cowboy, he can't be killed and he does not hurry when he can take his time. He speaks quietly, and let's his hammers do the yelling. Samuel L., however thinks that to correctly act, you just have to yell your lines. Please, don't let him ruin anything else.


The REAL Saint of Killers. Yeah, you see that fire he's in? He got a fucking atomic bomb dropped on him.